Abuse that isolates a church member
Updated: Aug 13, 2021
Until I needed support the most, I believed that I had a dependable, supportive Christian community. I believed that the church is my family, that we support each other and we lean on one another, even as differentiated yet interdependent members of one complex organism analogous to a human body....
When my life became unbearably painful, the support seemed to diminish down to a few who did more than turn away.
Some not only turned away, but inflicted much more pain by gossiping, accusing, lying about, and placing impossible demands on me - and on my children - treating us with unusual cruelty.
But a very precious few cared in word and in deed.
Why so very few, among so many I had once felt so close to? What is so difficult about acknowledging that something is severely wrong in a family, and shepherding the family as one unit, and the individual members of that family as well, through their pain and hardships? Why is hearing, understanding AND caring seemingly impossible to so many Christians?
I've done some reading of books and articles about this, including a book Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage; by Natalie Hoffman. From one article, cited below, I extracted a few points which summarize some of the explanations of abandonment and isolation in a Christian community. These particularly resonate with me, based on my experience.
The "church" prioritizes reputation over righteousness. It seems better to discredit a victim and to let a family be destroyed than to admit that abuse is occuring in a church community and to tarnish the public image of a "church". [I put quotes here around "church", because I still believe in the true church being Christ's expression, and I don't know Christ to ever care for appearance over reality.]
Church people "spiritualize" an abuse victim's situation, such as believing that to speak up is "uncovering" and "not forgiving" a perpetrator. Church leaders may tell a wife to submit, to stay with her abuser because the Bible does not permit separation or divorce. One may be told that God is honoring the victim by putting them into situations that will transform them, that all things work together for good, etc. Even a victim may spiritualize his/her abuse, turning the other cheek, repeatedly forgiving without any sincere repentance from the abuser, and remaining silent for a very long time - sometimes forever - believing that remaining silent is bearing one's cross.
Forgiveness... and, in my case, "forgetfulness" and never bringing up the past and never speaking about the pain to anyone... are demanded of a victim, though the perpetrator has not repented (which involves admitting and forsaking wrongdoing).
Victims are shamed and blamed yet told to cover their abusers. A wife or husband may be told that s/he must be doing something to provoke the spouse's behavior, etc. Another angle of this: Gossipers speak evilly and even falsely of others, such as in my daughter's case, yet when she asks who is accusing her, no one will tell her; the gossipers and rumor-spreaders' identities are withheld; she is told that those people have to be "covered."
People are too busy for to genuinely care for a trauma survivor. Victims may seem too "needy."
Church members want to feel good, and being exposed to another person's pain is not conducive to feeling good. Some may mistake the feeling of pain and suffering on a victim's behalf as "spiritual death" and just want to keep enjoying life... while fellow member(s) may be struggling just to physically stay alive amidst severe emotional/psychological pain.
Crime is overlooked; criminal behavior is tolerated. Whistleblowers who speak out about illegal behavior are silenced, ignored, and/or shamed in the church circle.
"I just don't want to be involved." "I don't want to take sides." "I have to take care of all of the parties involved." I have heard all of these, and believe they are characteristic of such situations. Listening and caring and being a factor of abuse NOT being perpetuated and tolerated, and letting know the upcoming, younger generation being affected that they are thoroughly cared for and loved is NOT taking sides. As I have told some, my husband and I are eternally on the same side. We all should be on God's side. And any "parties" involved should NOT be involved - our family is not separate parties; my husband and I are one unit, made one by God who joined us, and man is not supposed to put asunder. Others should not have become involved in our nuclear family to the degree that we are no longer together because they got involved, and THEY now need care....? But this is what I was told by the senior-most "senior coworker," possibly the most respected (next blog topic) that there is in my church community.
There is a deep spirit of judgment toward those not fitting a particular mold.
There is gross ignorance and lack of training on how to handle reports of abuse.
(These points are somewhat drawn from this article: "13 Critical Reasons Abuse Survivors Are Leaving the Church" by Mary DeMuth, August 15, 2019.)
I have gone to some of the most "respected" individuals in my international church community (I use quotes here because I don't believe we should be respecters of persons), called "senior coworkers," as well as more local elders in my church over these past few years. Those individuals have told me, in response to my speaking about abusive (sometimes dangerous and/or illegal) treatment, such things as:
God is honoring you with these experiences because He knows you can handle it.
God's economy is real and you have to apply it in this situation.
It is good that your husband is still expressing love toward you; let him initiate contact with you.
You won't know what Jesus can be to you if you keep your therapy dog.
You have to be surgically clean to speak to your husband.
I understand that you get emotional... and your returning from another continent may inadvertently have adverse effects on your husband's health.
Please read I Peter 4:8 and I Cor. 13.
When I read this verse, I thought of you, "Evil slave, I forgave you... you ought also to forgive."
I am concerned that you are even reaching out to senior co-workers who are very busy.
Your tone is provocative.
I tend toward pragmatism over principles.
Your son crossed a line.
Your mother-in-law did not come between you and your husband.
And, even more painful, I heard A LOT of dead silence. I experienced many turning away.
Abuse inflicts unbearable pain, and then...
when a victim reaches out for help from the primary source from which support had come in the past (the church)...
help is no longer available.
The victim, facing unprecedented crises in his/her life, is more isolated than ever before.
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