As I was driving home to Los Angeles from Omaha in December of 2022, I received threats that if I come home, my husband would file a restraining order against me. During that drive, I also listened to a very applicable and timely episode of A Little Bit Culty: "Perfect Prey: Dr. Christine Cocchiola on Coercive Control." I couldn't believe the timeliness of this episode.
I was seeking help from church elders during that drive, but had no support to return to my own home. I had to go and face my husband, a church leader, alone, knowing it was what I had to do, primarily because of abuse of my son that was recurring in my absence.
Today I am re-listening to that episode, and taking notes on what the speaker is saying. Here are some notes:
Experiences of the guest on the above linked episode on A Little Bit Culty, with which I relate 100%:
Often working multiple jobs
Diminishment by spouse in front of others
So covert; generally no physical violence, but plenty of emotional abuse
Accused of being too sensitive, too emotional
Not allowed to argue or disagree
Boundaries had to keep getting closed in - you cannot enforce boundaries or keep them intact
Manipulation, gaslighting, counter-parenting
Mixed messages, with "I love you" to "No one could ever love you"
Being accused of cheating on partner
Threatening
Using the adult kids to hurt target, and/or trying to turn them against other parent ("Domestic Abuse by Proxy")
Coercive control is foundational to all non-physical abuse. It is psychological maltreatment (covering both abuse and neglect). It includes acts of ommission. Coercive control is pervasive in SYSTEMS - when a person (or people) has power over others. It can occur in relationships, families, and communities of people. [I am adding this - coercive control IS a culty dynamic.]
Coercive control encompasses both emotional and psychological maltreatment. Psychological abuse causes trauma on the brain - the actual physical organ. Coercive control includes intimidation, isolation, taking away another person's autonomy; it requires us to unknow what we have always known (dismantling our intuition) and slowly erodes our sense of self-worth, at least in particular settings.
These abusers take away our ability to know who we really are. The people diminishing you are often the people that we look to for affirmation...
People who are accommodating and fixers are more susceptible. Some of us are set up as "perfect prey" - people pleasers, who subjugate ourselves because serving others makes us happy. Narcissists surround themselves with people who are giving and accommodating, who are constantly trying to be of service to make others happy, who tend to be easily subjugated due to their desire to please others. So there is an easy match between narcissists/coercive controllers and people who love to make others happy.
Why do people seek power over others? There is shame. The only way they feel good is to find people over whom they can exert power and control. When their victims try to free themselves from their control, abusers seek revenge - they can't live with the shame of getting exposed. If someone won't keep the abuse secret, coercive controllers then seek retaliation against them, against anyone who stops "pleasing" them. Abusers will try to shame their targets. They want victims to feel shame as a means of entrapment - to control you. They try to make you believe you are bad for going against them. They are so good at this game.
We can be so indoctrinated by a false narrative, and really believe it, until there is betrayal trauma. One may realize the fact that there has been coercive control after being completely betrayed by individuals and by systems.
Once people break free of coercive control, they may process what they went through by speaking out. There are many bystanders, enablers, or abusers who will still try to shame those speaking out about the abuse, asking victims why they are "so open" about it.
People in a system of coercive control may criticize a fellow member for speaking out. Why? Some people can't rationalize in their heads that someone or a system they are in is that bad. They dismiss accountability, discrediting the messenger(s) because if they don't deny it, they have to face their own trauma. It is too painful to acknowledge that they fell into such a bad relationship, that there may be systemic abuse in an institution they love,or that they too did something wrong.
Narcissists can never admit that they made a mistake or did something wrong.
We who finally break out from the coercive control speak out as part of our healing from the betrayal trauma, and in speaking out, we can be (re)stabilized, and we can help others to be stabilized.
Abusers take and use your vulnerabilities to harm you, and don't offer unconditional positive regard.
Human connection with unnconditional positive regard from a primary caretaker (for children) or a asignificant adult (in the case of adult maltreatment) is the most important need human beings have for brain development. Victims of coercive control desperately need unconditional love from someone(s) in their lives in order to be face the abuse, break free from the control, to be stabilized and to heal.
I hope to have a similar effect as Dr. Cocchiola, in my measure, whose son eventually told her, "Mom, you took a personal injustice and made it a societal justice."
A bit more about Coercive Control....
From Welsh Women's Aid:
Controlling behaviours may include:
Isolating you from your family or friends
Controlling what you eat, wear, or do
Controlling who you are allowed to see or spend time with
Preventing you from accessing support
Gaslighting
Monitoring your behaviour (online or in person)
Tracking you, for example, using your phone or car
Controlling your finances, for example, through your ability to earn money or what you spend money on
Emotionally or physically threatening or intimidating you
Threatening to disclose information about you publicly
Humiliating or degrading you
Repeatedly putting you down
Making you feel fearful or scared of non-compliance
However, there is not a definitive list of behaviours that are classed as coercively controlling. If you feel someone is acting in a way intended to exert power or control over you, then it is wrong and there is support for you.
I could provide specific examples of experiences of each of the above items, but my examples would largely be very painful and personal.
I don't write this, or any blog, to get pity or attention. I write because when we get educated on these matters, we begin to recognize maltreatment (neglect and abuse) and can more readily break free from coercive control; we can seek help for ourselves and/or offer help to others who are experiencing the maltreatment of coercive control.
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