[Topics: Open letter to my father-in-law; Dysfunctional world maps]
Why do I have the name "Wise"????
Updated: Dec 4, 2021
An open letter to Mr. Wise, my "father"-in-law:
(Using "father" in that phrase above forces my dysfunctional world map to make a radical and painful revision. "Father" has always been a very, very sweet word to me. And I thought Mr. Wise was a father to me. In a terribly, awfully painful way, "father" in the above phrase is now associated with a man who has treated me with extreme cruelty... nothing like the word "father" denoted previously, before these past few years.)
I am starting to feel tortured by my last name. Ruth Wise. Ruth Wise. Wise. Wise???
My husband was legally adopted by you, Mr. Wise, a few years after you, Mr. Wise, married my husband's mother... I remember a beautiful mother, Rosalind, and her two sons, Donny and Kenton, moving from Irvine, CA to the Seattle area, when I was in 7th grade and my unbeknownst husband-to-be Donny was in 9th grade... We were so excited that you, Mr. Wise, were getting married, and to have her sons joining our private school.
My husband's adoption by you to become a Wise was finalized when my husband was already over 18 years old... I found the legal documents.
Now you, Mr. Wise, the man who adopted my husband, whose name my husband took on, and later through marriage I also took on, freely administer the silent treatment to me (and to other family members, too) amidst the most painful years in my life thus far...
Mr. Wise, this type of silent treatment is abusive. [I'll repost my deleted blog on the cruelty of silence soon.]
Mr. Wise, you told me about 3 years ago that I could always express strong emotions to you when I needed to, and that I could never hurt you; that was on the phone when I told you, in late September 2018, that strong emotions were probably inevitable in the likely painful future, and that I needed someone in my husband's family with whom I could be real and not be blamed for expressing pain. A month later or so, Mr. Wise, you were agreeing that I should not talk to my husband about how I was feeling displaced by my in-laws... that my opening this to my husband could "send him to the E.R."... and shortly after, you were in agreement that I needed to leave my husband and home.
When I told you, Mr. Wise, in December 2018 that I would NEVER allow my son someday to send away his wife and have me, my son's mom, stay with him instead of his wife... you, Mr. Wise, said I shouldn't hypothesize and that it's not the same because I 'don't have a son with sickle cell.' (No, but I have a HUSBAND with sickle cell, and now my son has major health issues because of how his mom has been so inhumanly treated by her in-laws. But I'll try to stay on topic.) I retorted that ESPECIALLY with a blood disease, my husband needs his wife; his health would be better if I am in his life... Mr. Wise, you agreed, but you told me our phone call had to be kept a secret, and no advocacy occurred after the call, in my awareness, for ME to be with MY husband - NOT with your wife instead of me, Mr. Wise.
Mr. Wise, you were cc'ed when I was emailed by my husband in the spring of 2019 that I have to give 2 months' notice to go to my own home. Mr. Wise, you could have replied to the email with, "No wife... no human being... should be disallowed entrance to their own home (without legal justification). That is illegal." But you gave no response. Silence.
Mr. Wise, your biological brother in the L.A. area who is/was a policeman, Francois, could have told you that what my husband and you in-laws were doing to me was illegal and that your wife and my husband (who were at my home while I was told I can't come to my home) could be arrested for it - like the police at the neighborhood police station told me.
Mr. Wise, you came to my home in December 2019. My dear husband and I were again at peace with each other. As usual when you were coming... I had always been happy for my in-laws to visit us... I prepared the bed my husband and I had shared. I bought a new soft blanket so you would be extra comfortable. I shopped and cooked up a storm for you... I made butternut squash and chicken salad and chicken divan and salmon and brussel sprouts and every Keto dish I could make in time for your visit. 3 days later I was being told, with you, Mr. Wise, right there, that I had to leave my home, again. I hadn't even raised my voice. I was just there, and I was not wanted there any longer, due to my mother-in-law's unexpected (for me) arrival. Mr. Wise, you once again should have stood up for what was right, and said that a wife and mother should not be sent away from her own home and husband and son. But you didn't.
Instead, the next day you told your grandson that your grandson had crossed a line and that for now that was all you had to say to him. Mr. Wise, you refused to tell your grandson or me what line was crossed, to facilitate reconciliation. You just fell silent. And my husband stayed with you and your wife, away from our home, for weeks, until my son and I left our home... again.
I was told by my husband in January 2020 that I was supposed to consider you, Mr. Wise, and my mother-in-law ,dead to me. I cried when I read that.
You had been really, really dear to me. A father in the sweet sense of the word.
I just had wanted the right to be with my husband, in my home, to be involved in his medical and holistic care as his spouse.... That right was denied me... by you, Mr. Wise, and by your wife.
Mr. Wise, you have not treated me as a daughter.
Mr. Wise, you have been very, very unkind.
Mr. Wise, you have neglected your grandchildren - my children, at a time of great trauma and pain and need... if you even regard them as your grandchildren at all. There was always a huge difference between how you treated your biological children and grandchildren, and how you treated my husband and his full brother and our children.
Mr. Wise, you called me "too demanding," my husband told me, when I asked to be assured that you honor my marriage.
Mr. Wise, why have you been so mean? Because I said you are my husband's stepdad, and that is not to be spoken? That is the truth, and I don't believe people should be punished for speaking the truth if it is relevant information in a situation.
I believe you are not treating me as you would treat your biological son's wife. I hope you would not treat her this way. I hope she would never be severed from her husband or forced away from her home. I hope no human would be treated as you have treated me.
Mr. Wise, I don't want your last name; but I have it. It makes me shudder.
Mr. Wise, I thought you understood. My son thought you understood.
I have had to allow my dysfunctional world map to be revised many times specifically related to your treatment of me.
I deeply love you as my family... that makes this extra painful.
Your orphaned.... (Scripturally, when one parent dies, one is an orphan.) You MC'ed at my father's memorial meeting only a few years ago... WHAT would my dear daddy (father in a most precious and loving sense) have said or done were he still on earth and all of this happened??...
...widowed.... (Therapists and other health professionals have told me on many occasions over these past 3 years that I must grieve the loss of my husband, due to effects of substances on his mind - that he is no longer able to be my husband and he is not the man I married...)
...Daughter-in-law,
Ruth Wise. Wise. Wise?????
A very, very painful name for me, indeed.
P.S. Mr. Wise, your grandson is still in the hospital... he has been for about 3 weeks so far... He is less than 1 hour from you. He always insisted these past years that you understand our situation and just were in a difficult position. That was my son's world map.
It is not very difficult to tell the truth, and to stand for what is right and just.
I wish you were in our lives as a loving and safe person to whom we could turn at this time of intense need.
My husband told me that someone is reporting to you, Mr. Wise, about my blog. I hope you would read this, and feel free to comment or reach out to me. I would love to have my world map adjusted if ANY of this is inaccurate. I would love to have reconciliation with you and my whole family-in-law. Perhaps this is still a possibility?
[Adding this as I re-post this open letter on August 3, 2024: I have still not received any outreach in response to this open letter.]
A Dysfunctional World Map
Updated: Nov 8, 2021
This may be my most difficult blog posting yet, but, to me, also perhaps the most important. I feel I won't be able to do justice in writing on this topic... but I am trying.
Content for this blog is based on research by Jordan Peterson’s Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief, 1999 ("functional world maps", "maps of meaning", "value structure", etc.) and David Schnarch (specifically "mind-mapping" – from "Removing the Masks" November/December 2011, https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/566/removing-the-masks).
Some of us think we have a pretty good idea about our lives and where we are going... until suddenly, similar to thinking we are going to Costco and ending up at the airport, or thinking we are going to a hospital and ending up at a landfill, we are blindsided by a faulty world map we have created over the years, especially related to people, but also related to organizations, churches and work places - we can be disillusioned that the people and places we thought were trustworthy, safe and healthy are actually far from that. Some of us have dysfunctional world maps. Those internal maps, as we pass through very difficult experiences, can becoming increasingly functional. But it requires that we allow adjustment to some of our most beloved beliefs of others and of the world.
Human beings are "meaning seekers" and "meaning makers." As such, we are constantly drawing a "functional world map", making sense of things through representation and "assigning of correspondence" (one Merriam-Webster definition of mapping). We are traversing the uncharted courses of our lives, and along the way we are developing a sense of awareness, an ever-evolving understanding, and hopefully creating in our minds an accurate representation of our encounters with people, places and things, and the relationships that develop, into a type of functional map of our world.
Language is a perfect example of humans' constant mapping of meaning to be able to connect with others in order to live and thrive. Sounds become associated with meaning -- beginning as seeming chaos - phonemes and strings of phonemes, their order is eventually (quite rapidly for young language learners) deciphered as clear communication with the capacity of transmitting information and to sharing every possible thought and expression with the minds of hearers (or readers) who have learned the meaning of those sounds (or their written representation).
[However, some words that we think we fully understand become tainted or redefined through difficult experiences; sounds that carried special meaning that we once longed to hear begin to sicken us; in some instances, even language needs revised mapping.]
Without mapping, everything is random; everything is chaos. There are no meaningful connections or relationships. There is no representation or order. We map and record details in our mind, from the location of special - or avoidable - places, to what impact our behaviors will have on the world once we implement them (J. Peterson). Sometimes our "world maps" serve us well - we get where we want to go, we establish and foster meaningful connections with other human beings, we land our ideal job... and the rewards are great: we sense agency in our lives, we accomplish goals, we share in rewards, and possibly as important, we minimize pain, loss, and anxiety. We stay alive, among many other things, based on accurate mapping of our world. We may even thrive.
Right now I am blogging with my son's cat Nunyuh lying across my chest, purring. I decided to use a photo as the thumbnail for this blog. It exemplifies the benefits of mind-mapping (further discussed later in this blog) for/in healthy relationships. Nunyuh and I are two potential predators, two vulnerable creatures, two very trusting mammals in a trusting companionship. No wonder animals can be therapeutic, especially to humans who have experienced intense loneliness, abuse from other humans, and/or other relationship-based trauma. Animals like dogs and cats can be predicted and "mapped" pretty accurately. (They don't mask their minds as some humans do....) Nunyuh has mapped me as a safe place to be; I have mapped her as an animal with predictably loving behaviors toward me. There is mutual trust and safety. What if Nunyuh suddenly took advantage of my trust and our close proximity, and used her sharp claws to take a swipe at my face? That would require that my "world map" as it involves her to be altered. No longer would I feel nor be safe with her. No longer could I relaxingly work with her so near to me. Anxiety levels would go up. Oxytocin that provides the therapeutic senses of connection, well-being, and happiness would no longer be released due to our closeness.
When our maps of the world, that for the most part served us well, in my case for over 40 years, suddenly betray us, such as:
when we find our once safe havens, now under siege... or we are banished from such places....
when our explanations (that justify loved ones' behavior/treatment of us) no longer work...
when those we trusted most become the ones who seem to care about us (our safety, health, well-being, welfare, etc.) the least...
when words that once gave us the warm fuzzies, such as "I love you," no longer carry the same meaning, but rather confusion, dissonance...
…it is then that things get really painful and difficult, until our world map adjusts to become far more accurate in our navigation of the world. Our world maps can update and auto-correct to better serve us, as long as we stay oriented and grounded in reality, rather than living in denial or just trashing the map with its values-driven compass altogether. The truth sets us free; we have to be brutally honest with ourselves at times, to face the faultiness of our maps. Some minds become so disoriented when their maps' accuracy is disproven that depression, anxiety and chaos become overwhelming - at such times, people may no longer have the capacity to meet even basic life needs: to eat or sleep or communicate any longer. Sometimes such ones need to spend weeks in the hospital, to get help to even take care of themselves in a basic way again. One can experience a psychotic break, or other evidence of mental illness. The mind can become severely unhealthy when its functional map of the world proves to be terribly wrong.
[My son remains in the hospital for the 3rd week related to the repeated, traumatic disproving of his "world map."]
My "world map" was not always accurate, and it possibly still has a ways to go, but it has been continually revising throughout my more-than-half-century of human life so far. I always thought I had a pretty solid grasp of my values, relationships, and the world around me. Every experience has seemed meaningful to me. Just as a GPS, however, my map has had errors. When an error was found in my world map, eventually, through trial and error and, too often, undesirable experiences, my world map has consistently updated. It keeps doing so.
An example from my life
Unbeknownst to my parents and others, for the most part, I was repeatedly abused throughout my childhood and adolescence by someone that according to my world map was a VIP.
My value structure dictated:
I must respect her, because she is older than me.
Since it takes two to fight, and I don't want to fight, things will get better if I just never fight back.
This person loves me more than anyone; I just make her really mad.
I must deserve it. I'd think, "No wonder I bother her. I am annoying. My teeth aren't perfect, I'm not skinny, I'm too 'nice', I'm such a 'goody-good'."
She must be right when heard me swallow and said that I need surgery; I self-consciously tried to not swallow audibly.
I simply needed to assure her that she is loved because for some reason she doubted my love for her. I wrote her poems and letters and put them in her locker when we both overlapped at the same high school. I dedicated "Wind Beneath My Wings" and sang it in front of my school.
I am so strongly "loved" - as seen by the strength of the anger and abuse - in spite of being so annoying.
My sign posts were Bible verses (I loved, and still love, the Bible...), such as "love covers all things" and "forgive your brother seventy times 7" and "turn the other cheek" and "take up your cross..." - in my world map, these were meant to guide and protect me.
Clearly, if my world map was meant to keep me safe or to arrive at desirable destinations, it was not serving me as well as it could be; it needed to be adjusted and refined. Eventually my world map received input from others, and began to be revised. This supports Jordan Peterson's claim that we outsource our sanity (Peterson, 2021, Beyond Order...); without others close enough to us in our lives to be able to see where our world map is taking us, and overriding its messages at times, we are not on a healthy trajectory. Human beings need each other. I was helped when:
A friend's mom told me I don't need permission from that person to be able to be at my friend's house; my parents' permission is all I should need.
A dear one I trusted recognized some dynamics of fear when I was with this relative, and asked if that person hit me. I had to answer, "Yes," immediately rationalizing it... I needed that individual to tell me that it is not okay for someone to hit me.
Other healthy examples informed my mind that my situation was not normal or healthy.
I grew up, had many healthy relationships, and developed a keener sense regarding what I could tolerate or no longer tolerate from others.
Although my world map is updating, the damage of its faulty guidance is extensive, affecting not only me but many others I love. Some results were:
I was hyper-sensitive about any friction between my children, not wanting any hidden abuse to go on.
I rarely advocated for myself with others for a very long time.
I accepted unacceptable treatment in important adult relationships.
Many others have been similarly hurt, some even more so, as she has now has had spouses and dependents.
The abuser has yet to face the full consequences of her behavior.
Thankfully, my world map is still developing and revising, constantly, based on experiences, encounters, relationships, observations, research, guidance from others based on their experiences.... and other data.
One very helpful resource I found as I tried to navigate a very baffling adult relationship is Al-Anon, a spiritual program for people whose lives have been affected by alcohol -- by others' drinking or sobriety; it helps its members to apply the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to their own lives.
At my first two meetings of Al-Anon, and only at those first two meetings (I have been to many since my therapist's recommendation nearly 3 years ago), the sign-in sheet asked attendees to write our first names and one word to describe how we were feeling. I wrote "Ruth" and, both times, very memorably, I wrote the only word that described how I was feeling: "Lost." I clearly wasn't lost physically; I was in the Seattle area, the "stomping grounds" of my childhood. I was staying with my widowed mother. I had found the meeting my therapist had admonished me to attend. I knew where I was... physically. I didn't feel lost spiritually; I felt very close to my Savior, who had found me when I was quite young and has been a real Companion to me ever since. But I was completely lost psychologically and emotionally. I felt like I had no idea any longer which way was up or down in my life. My map of the world that had seemed to help me to navigate my human life now seemed to be nearly completely non-functional. I was lost.
Some of the bewildering "surroundings" I faced:
My safest place for me and for my husband and children had become off-limits.
People I once trusted for guidance seemed to agree that I must stay away from my own husband and home.
I wasn't deemed skinny enough nor my teeth good enough to "deserve" hugs from the only man I had ever entrusted myself to.
My in-laws laughed when I opened such vulnerable information, and contacted my husband to comment on how "raw" I was and how much I repeat myself... NOT to intervene for the sake of our marriage.
I was punished for expressing pain; raising my voice or "bringing up the past" rendered me unworthy to live in my own home.
Coworkers and elders, based on information from my husband, encouraged me to stay away after I was told to leave my home... even to remain out of the country.
People were lying, but when I called them out on it, they ignored me or told me I was "on the wrong tree."
I was asked to keep secrets from my husband and others about an interaction that could have been, I thought, productive in bringing in understanding and reconciliation in my situation.
[This list could go on and on and on...]
So... when I found Al-Anon, I felt/was lost. When I began to hear stories so similar to my own, I began to be able to re-map my world and many significant relationships that either helped me navigate life or were dangers I needed to learn to avoid in my life.
A major part of mapping our life's terrain is mapping our relationships with others: where to go and what to say or do with whom, who provides a sense of safety, and from whom some emotional distancing is advisable in order to stay safe. "Mind-mapping" is a term used by some social scientists. David Schnarch, a couples' therapist, describes it as:
a survival skill that allows us to predict—and manipulate—other people’s behavior by understanding their thoughts, feelings, and motivations. The ability to mind-map generally emerges at age 4, as children’s brains develop, heralded by the advent of their capacity to tell “fibs.” These cute, clumsy attempts to lie coincide with a child’s realization that a parent’s mind is capable of holding false beliefs, combined with the dawning awareness that what people do depends on what’s in their mind. Mind-mapping reaches adult form around age 11.... With the exception of people suffering from conditions like schizophrenia, autism, and some forms of Asperger’s Syndrome, most adults have mind-mapping capabilities; however, therapists may underestimate its role in our relationships. Marriage is inconceivable without some degree of mind-mapping: you need it to share a life with someone and understand what he or she means, wants, and desires. Of course, it comes in handy if you want to be a good liar, manipulator, or adulterer. You can’t be a successful therapist without it, either! Fully appreciating the subtleties of partners’ ability to mind-map each other can lead to stronger alliances with clients, and faster, more intense, and farther-reaching treatment.
Dr. Schnarch offers fellow therapists advice, from which I believe many of us could benefit in re-mapping some significant relationships:
Use collaborative confrontation to wake people up by exposing their games and encouraging their best to come out.
Work quickly. Speed creates hope, and a brisk pace yields greater traction with clients.
Use honesty to harness clients’ innate desire for intimacy and partnership. We can’t be safe and secure while we hide, because our partner really doesn’t know us. When we’re finally known, we can truly relax. Difficult truth-telling makes couples feel productively and profoundly connected.
Foster a sense of unilateral responsibility and differentiation to enhance people’s collaborative alliances.
So, I am needing to re-map the world and many relationships, aware of various pitfalls and other discoveries:
The effects of drug (medically prescribed or not) and alcohol addiction
The urgency of healthy boundaries
The right to protect myself
The legitimacy of my own needs
One's responsibility to oneself, rather than relinquishing responsibility to oneself in the interest of others' needs or desires
The potential of religion and religious people to further abuse a victim of abuse
The fact that the church community in which I was raised has much religion, though it denies it
The harshness of religion
The dangers of misapplying Biblical principles
A gross misunderstanding of love
A gross misunderstanding of my God and His heart for me
A realization that love does not treat someone the way I have been treated by many people I thought were among those who loved me the most in my life
[This list could go on possibly forever...]
Every other blog I have written relates to the functionality of my own, and others', world maps. I would take the time to make the connections, but won't bore you more.
Conclusion:
If language consists of a huge "map" - an assigning of correspondence between sounds and meaning, what is, in your world map, the correspondence of meaning with the English word "love"? Growing up, this word had simultaneously justified an abusive sibling while prohibiting me from reaching out for help. More recently, this word has struck fear into my heart and prompted deep confusion. "I love you" accompanied unthinkable diminishment of my human rights and neglect of my basic needs. It corresponded to unspeakable pain. But my world map continues to be updated. And I look forward to a day when the meaning that my heart assigns to "love" is void of isolating fear.
I look forward to love including at least the level of trust Nunyuh (my son’s cat) and I have as we share the little space near my computer, with no thought of harm from/toward one another... no rejection or criticism or purposeful inflicting of pain... no banishing from our safe place called "home"... no threatening of my children or treating them like they are somehow less than acceptable to God... (Why would family/church members treat my children that way???? Oh, the pain I have felt from many Christians with whom I associate the word "love.")
I look forward to my world map assigning a meaning that matches God's use of the word.
I hope for a world map in which the word "love" is love in truth... without any of the stumbling religious confusion that has failed me throughout much of my life, particularly during times of most intense need for... what I believe should be labeled, in a beautifully functional world map, "love."
Cuddling with Nunyuh while writing this blog.
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